Tying up loose ends!

Yes I’m really leaving today for 5 months! This isn’t just any trip, it’s a spiritual pilgrimage, my pilgrimage!  I will journey across six countries and will traverse many lands, but the most importantly I will go through the land inside myself.  I will explore aspects of myself that I’m not even sure I know yet.

We don’t often take the time to reflect in life but over the last four months I’ve had to. The journey began for me the moment I decided I was going on this trip.  I have been tested and challenged like never before and at times didn’t know how I was going to get through!  I have laughed and cried, I have grieved like never before, I have felt fear and anxiety far beyond what I even thought was even possible and I’ve said goodbye’s to people that I thought were going to be in my life for the long haul.

When I planned this trip I didn’t realise how much of a commitment I was really making to myself.  This experience has shown me how powerful it really is! Someone recently said to me when hearing about my trip, “You are committing both your present and future self to this” That has really stuck with me! How cool is that we as humans if we choose can commit a part of ourselves to something so significant that will inevitably change us and potentially the course of our life. Now that is trust!

So what else have I learnt:

  • It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, your world is still always within you
  • Courage can be summoned in any moment even when you haven’t been able to summon it before and even if you didn’t realise you had it all there
  • With enough love, commitment and dedication to yourself you can conquer anything
  • Fear can really f*** with you but if you learn to lean into the process, peel it back one step at a time, get some good supports around you, professional help if you need it and really feel it, you CAN and WILL get through it
  • You can get through challenges far beyond what you thought was possible especially if you hang in long enough
  • Like a young child that needs to be nurtured and healed back to life through love, we too as adults sometimes needs this, give that gift to yourself
  • Making a commitment to yourself and your life to live, be and do what is really truly important to you will be one of the most life changing and important decisions you could ever make for yourself, your world and the world around you

I’m still nervous as hell, get anxious, and scared but all the while going through the process and super excited what lies ahead on the road for me!  What I do know is this, these things do not have to be felt in isolation and they certainly don’t have to be felt independently of each other!

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Trust…

Trust, I must trust…
In the middle of the ocean
Trust, I must trust…
In the midst of the unknown
Trust, I must trust…
In the part of me that wants to
And the part of me that doesn’t
Trust, I must trust…
While they are the similar
They are also very different
In the process of letting go
And in the process of learning
Trust, I must trust…
In the Where I will go
And where I will land
Trust, I must trust…
All that is left to do
Is trust
So trust, I must trust…

Breaking free

How do you break free something that just doesn’t feel right, whether it’s a situation, job or relationship… You may not know why it doesn’t feel right or you may.  Either way these situations can often become all consuming, exhausting and leave you a little brain dead.  Sometimes you know you are settling for less that you believe you are worthy of, sometimes you haven’t even worked that out yet.   Often you question yourself and wonder why.  You’ve lost your ability to think clearly and you shy away from talking about what you’re experiencing because for some reason your feelings aren’t validated or you’re not sure that what you’re feeling is ok to feel and taking action becomes really difficult.

Often people stay in things that are no longer serving them because is it the all too familiar comfortable thing even when it is painstakingly uncomfortable.  For some reason we have been bought up to believe that you stay in something even if it’s not working because that’s just what you do, you tough it out like a good battler and don’t risk changing because it could be worse on the other side… or the other million reasons you could insert here.

Well all of this and more is where I found myself.  On the brink of self destructive behaviours and thoughts I knew were not really what I wanted for myself, I was left feeling powerless and empty.  From the outside you would never know this about me.  I had a successful job, good family and friends, I am a decent human being, I have a roof over my head, food to eat etc.  I appear to be a very happy go lucky smiley friendly kinda girl but on the inside I was dying.  I knew I couldn’t continue living in this way, I felt I was doing myself a disservice and nothing I did could take away the feeling that I was being a fraud and living a life that was inauthentic for me… So I made myself stop and reassess.

I remember looking around thinking I didn’t belong here and knew if I didn’t drastically change my circumstances I was going to become a fatal victim of myself, either through a somewhat spontaneous self combustion or a slow and painful death through poor life choices. I’d already been doing this for 8 years so knew the cycle well but this time something was different.  I knew I was no longer willing to give into any of the previous shit I’d been doing like saying yes to things I didn’t want to because I was worried about what other people would think. I decided I wasn’t going to stay in anything that didn’t feel good or give me an equal or greater energy exchange regardless of the reason.  Previously I was living a life I thought I was suppose to, one I thought was expected of me, where this came from I don’t know but I was trying to live up to other people’s standards and I was exhausted from it.  It created a vast amount of mental health issues for me and at times almost death.

So for the first time probably ever I decided I was going to consistently think of myself: Who am I? What do I value? What is going to make me feel fulfilled? What sort of life do I want for myself? and the list goes on…. As a first step I decided I was going to travel.  This was the one thing I knew and have consistently wanted for the last 10 years of my life.  So I gave myself permission to do it… I made an itinerary that includes healing, loving and nurturing myself for 5 whole months! While it scares the shit out of me I know it’s exactly what I need to do and it’s deeper symbolic meaning of giving myself permission to be myself and do what is right for me far outweighs any fear I have.

To start with I’m going back to my roots in Fiji to reconnect with my family and culture.  It’s really important to me to know where I come from so for two weeks I will be getting to know more about myself through my family, my heritage and the generational links that I will discover.  I will then travel to USA where I will spend 3 months in a place I call my home away from home.  This place is where I first discovered who I really was without all the other indoctrinated shit we are conditioned to believe about ourselves and life and it has become a really strong pillar for me.  I call this place my spiritual home and I know it is here I will rediscover aspects of myself that I have long forgotten. After that I will travel to South America where I will partake in a healing retreat, Machu Picchu Trek and carry on to see Bolivia, Chile and Argentina.  This final part will seal my spiritual pilgrimage but really it is not the end, this is just the beginning for me…

This is my trip of a lifetime!  I know so many good things will come from this trip but really the trip started the moment I decided to make a change, stand up for myself, honour myself and do what I really wanted and dreamed of for myself.   I have three months until I depart and this hasn’t come easy and nor did it just magically happen. While the universe has totally blessed me with support along the way, I’ve worked my ass off through some potentially (perceived/or real) unsurmountable challenges that I would not have been able to get through had I not made the commitment to myself that no matter what happened absolutely nothing was going to get in the way of me and this trip!

The first step for me was that decision to make a change. So I leave you with this… What is it that you really want that you would do absolutely anything for no matter what challenge came your way??? When you have the answer you know where your heart if is taking you.  Remember, what ever it is that you want, it is only one thought away from becoming a real possibility…